Insomnia April 18, 2008

Cannot relax enough to sleep tonight. No idea whats causing it. This post is likely to be something of a ramble, and if such things annoy you, stop reading now. Don’t read it just to complain afterwards.

The lack of sleep is causing weird thoughts. Not good ones. Obsessive thoughts of death and what my life would be without certain people. The idea that death is all around me, simply waiting to happen. It’s just a matter of time.

Life is cruel in this sense. Any bonds are made to be broken, whether temporarily or just a separation until you find them again wherever we go when we die. I imagine a blissful moment of reunion in that place, after years of being parted. I’m not talking about heaven. I don’t believe in the whole heaven and hell thing. I truely believe we go somewhere though. Several things have convinced me of this. I wont state them here for fear of people questioning my sanity. I just know, ok?

I often wonder what makes people believe that death is the end. How could we go through life gathering so much knowledge and creating these amazing bonds, just for it all to be lost in that second that you slip out of life? How can the complexity of a personality just disappear?

I refuse to believe that when my granny dies, i wont ever see her again. I will. I just question what state she will be in when i do. She has alzheimers, and currently is not the person i know to be my grandmother. What i wonder is, when she dies, will she go on like that, or will her soul return to its original state? I like to think the latter, but do i truely believe that, or do i just want to believe it?

Maybe thats what faith is. Maybe christians follow god their whole lives and believe they wil go to heaven, because they fear the unknown. They don’t want to not know where they go when they die, or where their loved ones have gone to. I’d like to know where i’m going, but i don’t like the idea of heaven.

A christian friend described heaven to me in an attempt to convert me. All she did was push me further away from religion. She told me that in heaven, you have a new identity, and you spedn all your time worshiping god. You don’t care that your loved ones have gone to hell, because all that matters is praising the lord. She couldnt understand me when i said i’d rather follow my loved ones into hell than go to heaven without them.

I think about this far more than i should. I worry about how i will cope when i lose the people i’m closest to. And it all comes down to the same thing.

Fear of being alone.

All my worst fears are linked to it. Losing loved ones and having nobody by my side. Getting Alzhhiemers disease and being alone in my mind, trapped and unable to communicate. Having nothing to take my mind off things once Johnny and Darren leave for university because theyre the only ones that i see regularly - i’ll be left to my own thoughts, which never ends in a good mood.

Maybe it’s selfish, this way of thinking.

I don’t know.

Anyway, it’s 3am, and i’m gonna try sleeping again now i’ve cleared my head a bit.

Alzheimer’s disease April 15, 2008

In my opinion, the worst thing that could possibly happen to a person. The very cruelest way to die.

For those of you that don’t know:

Alzheimer’s is a degenerative and fatal brain disease.

It gradually destroys brain cells, which causes a decline in the victim’s memory, behaviour and personality, until the person you once knew has vanished, leaving an empty shell. Then they die.

More information here : http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_what_is_alzheimers.asp#brain

The stages:

Mild Alzheimer’s disease
People in the early stages of Alzheimer’s may experience memory loss, lapses of judgment and subtle changes in personality. They often have decreased attention span and less motivation to complete tasks. In addition, they may resist change and new challenges, and get lost even in familiar places
While everyone occasionally forgets words or names during conversations, in people with mild Alzheimer’s this problem occurs with increasing frequency. They may substitute or make up words that sound like or mean something like the forgotten word. They sometimes even avoid talking to keep from making mistakes and appear subdued or withdrawn — especially in socially or mentally challenging situations.
They may also put things in very odd places. For example, a wallet may end up in the freezer, or clothes may go into the dishwasher. They may ask repetitive questions or hoard things of no value. When frustrated or tired, they may become uncharacteristically angry.

Moderate Alzheimer’s disease

In the middle stage of Alzheimer’s, people can’t organize thoughts or follow logical explanations. They lose the ability to follow written instructions and often need help choosing proper clothing for the season or occasion. Eventually, they’ll require help getting dressed because their confusion may cause them to put their pajamas on over their daytime clothes or their shoes on the wrong feet. They may also have episodes of urinary or fecal incontinence.

It’s usually during this stage that people start having problems recognizing family members and friends. They may mix up identities — thinking a son is a brother or that a spouse is a stranger. They may become confused about where they are and what day, season or year it is. They become unable to recall their address or phone number.
Because they lack judgment and tend to wander, people with moderate Alzheimer’s disease aren’t safe on their own. They may exhibit restless, repetitive movements in late afternoon, or continually repeat certain stories, words or motions, such as tearing tissues.

Personality changes are common and can include:
Accusations of infidelity or stealing
Threats and cursing
Inappropriate behavior, such as kicking, hitting, biting, screaming or grabbing

Severe Alzheimer’s disease
People in the last stage of Alzheimer’s require help with all their daily needs. They lose the ability to walk without assistance and then the ability to sit up without support. They are usually incontinent and may no longer speak coherently. They rarely recognize family members. Swallowing difficulties can cause choking, and they may refuse to eat.

There is a lot of research going on to find a cure, and help prevent this from happening, but obviously they need funds.

Please help by clicking this link and clicking the orange speech bubble in the top right of the page.

http://www.alzinfo.org/Alzheimers-Disease-Research-Information.asp

Thanks

Just another day April 13, 2008

Following a night where i apparantly snored so loudly i kepy Johnny awake, i woke up to him laughing at me. The reason became obvious as i became concious enough to realise i was clinging to him as if my life depended on it. Odd.

I went on to throw up several times (not in my bed, i managed to get to the bathroom) and then feel perfectly fine again, until this afternoon. If i don’t find out what the bloody hell is wrong with me very soon i may…….. give out empty threats… and such. Oh how i hate those doctors. And that nurse. Not able to do a blood test without it resulting in an ORANGE bruise for several days. Who gets orange bruises?!

Yet another revision-less day has passed. Beginning to feel a bit guilty now. I should at least do art, if nothing else. Especially as i have to have a clear idea of what i’m going to paint for my final piece by next Monday. I currently have 3 unfinished artist studies and some paintings of rivers. I’m fucked.

The money side of things is looking up, which is always a plus. I now have a total income of £42 a week from 3 different places. One from babysitting, only £12 a time, but thats £12 to sit and watch tv or do homework, not exactly challenging. £21 to clean the house of somebody to rich and too lazy to do it themselves. Also piss easy, as all i do is hoover and polish for 3 hours. The other £10 requires no effort on my part, other than to attend college, which i would do anyway. Hooray for EMA.

This means i can finally get a haircut. Normally i’m not too fussed with my hair. It is just hair after all. But it hasnt been cut for over 7 months now, and is beginning to look…well, shit.

Running out of things to say now. I wish i had something more interesting to talk about.

Please, grow up April 11, 2008

I talked to someone i knew at school over messenger today for the first time in about 7 months.

I asked her how she is, and she replies ”i’m really depressed. I hate my life and i cant see the point of living it anymore, and the only reason i dont kill myself is because im too scared to self harm”

I asked her why.

KNOW WHAT HER REASON WAS??

SHES FINDING COLLEGE WORK DIFFICULT AND HER PARENTS ARE BEING STRICT ABOUT HER REVISION!

What the fuck.

People like this make me more angry than anyone else. Seriously. They have absolutely no clue what it is to have problems. It’s like a child, when the worst thing that could happen to you is to fall and cut your knee so bad you need stitches. The only difference between her and a 6 year old is that a 6 year old doesn’t know enough about suicide to say theyre thinking about it.

I know people with real problems. Serious problems. Abused and raped as a child. Parents divorced. Father using them as a punching bag. A parent with a serious illness. Self harm. Genuine thoughts of suicide. And you get people like her complaining how “shit” their life is because of fucking revision. It’s sickening.

And the worst part is i pity her. I really do. Because one day, something bad will happen to her. Something ACTUALLY bad, not just a bad haircut or not being allowed to go to a party. Something like losing someone close or getting into an abusive relationship. She will realise with a shock that there are REAL problems in the world. The terrible things she sees on tv that she thinks are “so horrible i cant watch it because it makes me cry” actually happen to real people.

In a way, i’d rather be prepared by being hurt early on than be wrapped in cotton wool and protected from the world and suddenly have the shock of realising all is not fine ’n' dandy in life.

Myspace whores April 11, 2008

Not only are there people announcing every new picture and begging for comments, they are now even asking for comments when they don’t have a new one. Jeez.

“I……

Don’t have any new pictures, but plzzzzzzzzz comment them anyways! LOLZ

PC4PC

C4C

M4M

love you all

LMAO”

ANNOYING

Why the doctors around here are bloody useless April 11, 2008

- My mums doctor made a mistake that could have killed her, and it wasnt even an understandable mistake, it was through lack of attention that he made it

- I’ve had back problems for nearly a year and ive been told over and over theres ”nothing physically wrong”

- Up until recently, when i was sent for a blood test and xray

- Blood test gave me a fat bruise

- Just found out i have to wait even longer for my x-ray because the doctor surgery fucked up and didnt fill in the form properly

Not happy >_<

Good week so far April 11, 2008

Went to London with Johnny and had a really good time, other than the painnn in my feet by the end of it due to being upright pretty much the whole day.

Went to an imax theatre for the first time in my life, and i must say, it was awesome. It actually had me dodging non existant fish and rocks and stuff because it was so realistic. The kids in the row in front kept reaching up to try and touch said fish. Definately worth the £7.50 it cost us. Well, the £7.50 is cost Johnny because he doesn’t let me pay for stuff =]. I love him.

Had to have a blood test yesterday. Was not happy. Ended up swearing under my breath when she put the needle in my arm. And she made it bruise! Except its a werid bruise. It’s…… orange =S.

I should revise.

Do. Not. Want.

Elephant paints self portrait April 8, 2008

This video is amazing. Skip to about 7:30 if you cant be bothered to watch it all. The painting at the end is beautiful =]

Happy post April 8, 2008

Aparantly it’s a good idea to make a list of things you’re happy about to improve your overall mood.

I’ll give it a try.

Things i’m happy about right now:

- I truely believe i have found my soulmate

- I’m going to London for the day with him tomorrow

- We might be going on holiday together

- He just bought me a book i’ve wanted for ages

- I may not have many close friends, but the ones I have are the best i could hope for

- I have oreos

- I’m seeing wicked next week

- I have the coolest (and stupidest) hamster in existance

- My mum is better than yours

- I have a good future to look forward to

- I might find out whats wrong with me soon

- I have a pencil case full of nice colourful pens

- I have a crystal hanging in my window that makes rainbows on my walls when the sun shines through it

- I just got a job that pays well for pretty much no effort

-  I don’t have college for another week and a half

That’ll do for now. Put me in a pretty good mood =]

Monty Python and the Holy Grail April 8, 2008

Just watched it, for probably the 50th tme in my life.

Feel like listing the best quotes (in my opinion)

Enjoy.

Minstrel: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis…Sir Robin: That’s, uh, that’s enough music for now, lads… looks like there’s dirty work afoot.

Minstrel: [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away…Sir Robin: *No!*Minstrel: [singing] bravely ran away away…

Sir Robin: *I didn’t!*

Minstrel: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.

Sir Robin: *I never did!*

Minstrel: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.

Sir Robin: *Oh, you liars!*

Minstrel: [singing] Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.

French Soldier: I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Sir Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?

French Soldier: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she’s a witch?Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!Sir Bedevere: A newt?

Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] … I got better.

Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!

King Arthur: I am your king.Woman: Well I didn’t vote for you.King Arthur: You don’t vote for kings.

Woman: Well how’d you become king then?

[Angelic music plays... ]

King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.

Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one!

King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?

King Arthur: Yes!

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You’re using coconuts!

King Arthur: What?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You’ve got two empty halves of coconut and you’re bangin’ ‘em together.

King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through…

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where’d you get the coconuts?

King Arthur: We found them.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut’s tropical!

King Arthur: What do you mean?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone

King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

King Arthur: Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

King Arthur: Please!

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?

King of Swamp Castle: You only killed the bride’s father, you know.
Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn’t mean to.
King of Swamp Castle: Didn’t mean to? You put your sword right through his head.
Sir Lancelot: Oh dear… is he all right?

King Arthur: Who are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder?Tim: There are some who call me… Tim.

Wedding Guest: Look! The dead prince!
Concorde: He’s not quite dead.
Prince Herbert: Oh, I feel much better.
King of Swamp Castle: You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!
Prince Herbert: I was saved at the last minute.
King of Swamp Castle: How?
Prince Herbert: Well, I’ll tell you.
[music begins playing, the townspeople begin dancing and singing, "He's going to tell, he's going to tell!"]
King of Swamp Castle: Not like that, not like that! No! Stop it! Nooo!