Cannot relax enough to sleep tonight. No idea whats causing it. This post is likely to be something of a ramble, and if such things annoy you, stop reading now. Don’t read it just to complain afterwards.
The lack of sleep is causing weird thoughts. Not good ones. Obsessive thoughts of death and what my life would be without certain people. The idea that death is all around me, simply waiting to happen. It’s just a matter of time.
Life is cruel in this sense. Any bonds are made to be broken, whether temporarily or just a separation until you find them again wherever we go when we die. I imagine a blissful moment of reunion in that place, after years of being parted. I’m not talking about heaven. I don’t believe in the whole heaven and hell thing. I truely believe we go somewhere though. Several things have convinced me of this. I wont state them here for fear of people questioning my sanity. I just know, ok?
I often wonder what makes people believe that death is the end. How could we go through life gathering so much knowledge and creating these amazing bonds, just for it all to be lost in that second that you slip out of life? How can the complexity of a personality just disappear?
I refuse to believe that when my granny dies, i wont ever see her again. I will. I just question what state she will be in when i do. She has alzheimers, and currently is not the person i know to be my grandmother. What i wonder is, when she dies, will she go on like that, or will her soul return to its original state? I like to think the latter, but do i truely believe that, or do i just want to believe it?
Maybe thats what faith is. Maybe christians follow god their whole lives and believe they wil go to heaven, because they fear the unknown. They don’t want to not know where they go when they die, or where their loved ones have gone to. I’d like to know where i’m going, but i don’t like the idea of heaven.
A christian friend described heaven to me in an attempt to convert me. All she did was push me further away from religion. She told me that in heaven, you have a new identity, and you spedn all your time worshiping god. You don’t care that your loved ones have gone to hell, because all that matters is praising the lord. She couldnt understand me when i said i’d rather follow my loved ones into hell than go to heaven without them.
I think about this far more than i should. I worry about how i will cope when i lose the people i’m closest to. And it all comes down to the same thing.
Fear of being alone.
All my worst fears are linked to it. Losing loved ones and having nobody by my side. Getting Alzhhiemers disease and being alone in my mind, trapped and unable to communicate. Having nothing to take my mind off things once Johnny and Darren leave for university because theyre the only ones that i see regularly - i’ll be left to my own thoughts, which never ends in a good mood.
Maybe it’s selfish, this way of thinking.
I don’t know.
Anyway, it’s 3am, and i’m gonna try sleeping again now i’ve cleared my head a bit.
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