Partly Cloudy

I love it =]

It’s thought provoking.

Last week was amazing. I went to Bournemouth, and I finally felt like I belonged somewhere – a feeling I havn’t had in such a long time that I can’t remember the last time I felt it. I felt like I was living with him, with them. We didn’t even do much. We went to the beach, got a *lot* of pizza from Domino’s, played a lot of Rock Band and Mariokart, lazed around with our laptops and generally just relaxed. I even managed to sing on Rock Band without choking (I havn’t been able to sing without making myself nearly pass out or choke for ages, something to do with my lungs), AND I had alcohol without getting ill =]. I think my health is finally improving. I don’t doubt it has something to do with the last time i’ll set foot in college finally being in sight. As my good friend put it: “you are so close to getting out, these are the few final hurdles. If you look closely you can see the finish line just over there, the ribbon across it is sparkling a bit as it catches some light”. That made me smile. A lot. =]

Anyway, I’m now back in shitty Hook. This is bothering me more than it usually does, probably because last week felt so much more like home than this does.

I had my English re-sit yesterday. I think it went okay, I wrote all I could think of, and it turned out that what little I had revised the night before came in really handy in the exam. How’s that for precognition? And the best part was that I didn’t see anyone I didn’t want to talk to.
I got back to the train station far too early, with 25 minutes until my next train. Horribly annoying, but I ended up quite enjoying myself sitting cross-legged on the floor smiling at the way my dress fanned out on the floor around me, with my music playing full blast in my ears and Twilight lying open on my lap. Yeah, that’s right, I’m reading Twilight. I saw the film the other day and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected, so I decided to read the book (I always enjoy books more than films) and I’m really enjoying it.
I was on my way home, not particularly looking forward to sitting around alone for the afternoon, when my friend text me and I ended up eating lunch from Tesco in a park with him and going back to his house for the afternoon. I had seen him in Bournemouth for beach times and pizza last week, but this was the first time in a long while it had been just us. I loved it, i’ve missed him a lot and we had a good catch up. I was worried I would bore him, but it seemed okay.

I *always* worry about that. Whenever I hang out with just one person I get paranoid they’ll find me boring, or realise they don’t like me as much as they thought. I despise the fact that my self esteem is so low. I only really realised I did this a week or two ago when I had a friend round for the night. This was the first time we’d spent time one on one and I was sure I would end up changing her opinion of me. We both went and met up with my boyfriend in town the next day. I was absolutely convinced that she looked so much better than I did, and I felt horribly average, if not ugly, next to her. *sigh*. This sounds horribly lame, but I want so badly to feel like i’m attractive.

It’s gotten so bad that I find myself being surprised when people go out of their way to talk to me or invite me somewhere. Even when people talk to me before I talk to them on Messenger. I find myself surprised that they want to talk to me, or that they want me around. Sad, huh?

/emo.

The rest of this week is set out to be pretty good, bar tomorrow between 1 and 5 when I have to go back to college again for an exam. I wish I didn’t have to go back, but not going now would defeat the point of forcing myself to stay two years at the place. It’ll be okay.

Then my boyfriend is coming up from Bournemouth in the evening, so I get to relax and spend time with him, which I’m really looking forward to.

The next morning we are getting the train up to Leamington to see a good friend. I can’t wait for that, it’s going to be a really good couple of days =] I may even dig out my camera to take with me, along with a pack of cards for the train. =]

• I can’t look people in the face for long when I talk to them, I always end up staring around the room or looking down.

• I can’t look into mirrors in the dark because I’m scared of seeing something in them. We have a mirror on the wall at the bottom of the stairs, and because of that I can’t walk down my stairs in the dark. When my parents have gone to bed, I’m not allowed to turn the hall light on (they leave their door open for the cats, so the light wakes them up) and I usually end up just deciding against going down, even if it’s for something I really need.

• When walking up the stairs after turning all the downstairs lights off for the night, I can only get about halfway up before running the rest of the way and bounding across the landing to the lightswitch to turn it on because I get scared there’s something behind me. Sometimes I even do this during the day, running up the stairs and standing with my back to the wall at the top.

• When I was about four, I watched a fim with my parents, and on part of it a sleeping woman gets stung in the foot by a scorpion. Ever since then, I havn’t been able to sleep with my feet uncovered, I always have to tuck the duvet around them.

• The texture of mashed potato freaks me out to the point that I can’t eat it without gagging and shuddering.

• I’m still scared of the dark. When I turn my lights off, I open the blinds a little and lie looking around my room until my eyes are used to the dark so I can see before I will close my eyes.

• I have slept with the light on after scaring myself with memories of films/nightmares several times in the past month.

• I cry when I get angry. Doesn’t exactly do well in arguments. I often get accused of crocodile tears because of it.

• I’m frightened of confrontation. Even witnessing a fight or argument leaves me shaking. I can, however, have fantastic arguments on Messenger without much trouble.

• I couldn’t make it through London Dungeons without being let out through a fire escape due to claustraphobia and stress from things making me jump. I *hate* things making me jump. Come to think of it, why did I ever think that was a good idea?

This week I planned to:

• Write a few English essays for revision
• Tidy my room completely
• Pack some stuff away if I’m not planning on taking it to uni
• Get some exercise done
• Find somewhere to live for my first week of uni

This week I:

• Played a lot of Pokemon FireRed
• Drew some pictures
• Wrote the first paragraph of one English essay
• Went cycling with Matt and Jon
• Watched Britain’s got talent (and totally wanted Diversity to win ^_^)
• Read three books (none of which are the set books for my English exams)
• Vauguely moved things around in my room to give it the illusion of being tidier
• Spent a night just lazing around with Johnny

This week I did not:

• *Actually* tidy my room
• Even get any boxes out to begin putting stuff into storage
• Write any complete essays for English
• Exercise more than once
• Find anywhere to live for my first week of uni

Absolutely nothing special about this particular Friday…  but i’ve been conditioned by 13 years of education to be happy that it is nearly the weekend. The fact that this entire week has been one long and boring weekend is neither here nor there.

This morning I was woken at 7:45am by some knob nextdoor bashing a spade around on his garden path in a poor attempt to rid it of weeds. Not only was he making a horrible racket with that thing, but he was also playing the radio rather loudly, and at the particular point he managed to wake me (and likely the rest of the street including chav row – he’s lucky none of them stabbed him) a lovely song by Britney Spears was on. Sorry, I misspelled “lovely” – it’s actually spelt “god-awful”.
Being woken at 7:45 wouldn’t have been that big a deal had I not only managed to get to sleep two hours before. Cue bloodshot eyes and bad temper. Blehhh.

Right, now to make the most of my time. I’ve wasted the first two hours of my morning playing Kingdom Hearts and drowning out inconsiderate-spade-man’s music with loud Oasis. I realise this makes me equally inconsiderate, but hey, I’m irritated and they’re all awake now anyway. Surely they would prefer Oasis to most of the rubbish you get on the radio now?

Probably not. There is, after all, a reason it is on the radio in the first place.

People have no taste.

Things making me happy today

• It’s quite warm
• I just found a summery top I forgot I had
• I might be going cycling with two friends this evening
• I have some salt and vinegar crunchy sticks to have with whatever sandwich I choose to make for lunch
• I have a humassive canvas and a whole summer to do something with it

Things that are annoying me today

• I still don’t have anywhere to live for my first week of uni.
• My brother has, once again, brought his smelly friend round. Seriously, he smells so bad that the whole house stinks for hours after he leaves. It’s disgusting.
• My brother is, as always when he has a friend round, showing off in the way a 10 year old would. They still seem to find it funny to make high pitched noises at each other, and he’s always really rude to me when his friends are around and my parents are out.
• My brother and his smelly friend are playing loud RnB from the living room.
• I have holes in my leggings and no money to buy new ones.
• I can’t find anywhere that will give me finantial help next year at uni.
• There is nobody around. All my friends are at uni or revising. Going out alone is boring, so I am once again spending the day sat in front of my computer.
• There isn’t even anyone online to talk to. Am I the only one that stays online while I revise?
• My room is a mess and I can’t motivate myself to do something about it.
• I’ve just realised I only put full stops on the end of my points when i’m talking about what annoys me.
• I’ve also just realised that there are far more things annoying me than making me happy right now. Le sigh.